Voices

They say I’m weak

I say I’m strong
Those inner voices
Are sometimes wrong.

I know they lie
I know they taunt
I try not to believe them
Its not what I want.

they’re so convincing
They make me feel bad
They swear it’s the truth
Their truth makes me sad.

It’s hard to fight them
All of the time
Easier to relent
And let them be right.

They tell me I’m worthless
Unloved, with no friends.
I have to keep fighting
If I succumb,  that’s the end

BPD

Borderline personality disorder

That’s what they say I am
I fit all the requirements
In the DCM.

I cycle through emotions
 like a race car driver on crack
 in a heightened state of anxiety
my logic out of whack.

my perceptions at the time
 in this heightened state
make me illogical
 a place I fucking hate.

I often isolate myself
Away from family and friends
I lash out at things around me
My impulsivity knows no end.

The cycle, it ends quickly
As fast as it begins
But it never stays gone for long
It always starts again.

I try to contain the madness
But it sucks me down so deep
Nobody knows the truth of it
These secrets that I keep.

I let you believe the worst of me
I’m moody and I’m mean
I’m not fit for company
If only you could see.

Its easier to hide it
What happens in my brain
I know you’ll just deny it
Even if I could explain.

Some days I do better
Others I’d rather be dead
Than deal with the constant chaos
That’s always in my head.

You’ll never understand it
Most don’t care to try
Just ignore it,  it’ll go away
Keep telling yourself that lie.

Until the day I break
I will keep forgiving
Your ignorance is bliss
Until I stop living. 

Chaos in my head

There’s chaos in my head tonight

It won’t fucking let me sleep
The thoughts go round and round tonight
The silence I can’t keep.

It plays off my emotions
Rousing fear and guilt
It threatens to destroy
The precarious peace I’ve built.

It wont let me stop thinking
Playing games inside my head
Forcing me to confront things
That are better left unsaid.

I know it’s not reality
Just ignore the noise
But when it takes a hold of me
It does nothing but destroy.

It tells me all the little lies
I know I should not believe
But damn it’s so convincing
 Its quest is to deceive.

It plays on insecurity
It reminds me of my sins
It tells me that I’m worthless
That I deserve the state I’m in.

I know somewhere inside me
That this is not the truth
But damned if I can reach
The thread that makes the loop.

The one I need to save me
The one that banishes the lies
That little ray of hope that’s there
So deep down inside.

For now ill just lay quietly
Waiting for the storm to pass
Hoping I can fall asleep
Before it completely kicks my ass..

Drink Me

Drink me it said,

I’ll make you strong.

Drink me it said

I’ll set you free.

Drink me it said,

I’ll save your soul.

Drink me it said,

I’ll be your best friend.

What it didn’t say

I’ll be the demon

That consumes you

The friend

Who betrays you

The love

Who kills you

The poison

Who rules you.

Drink me it said,

I will be the life

You can’t escape from

The world

You are trapped in.

The grave

You will be buried in.

Drink me..

It.

Said.

 

Today

Today is a different day

I feel a different way

But give it a minute

All that could change

Insignificant to you

But destruction will reign

The cycle begins

The fear takes ahold

Overwhelming its prey

I’m done for the day.

No matter what comes

The guilt will remain

Intense and emotional

It doesn’t go away.

Everything becomes

Chaotic

Intense

A look, a word

It’s too much

It’s immense

I am forever in its grasp

This emotional strife

Robbing me of normal

Robbing me of life

But today is a different day

And I feel a different way

But give it a minute,

All that will change.