My Soul

I am she and she is me
not the one you want me to be
I’m smart, outgoing, a little bit crazy
Disorganized, careless, a little bit lazy
Headstrong, stubborn and fiercely loyal
Isolated-disconnected from peer group royals

I try my best to be
The ‘me’ you want to see
The one I know I’m expected to be

My thoughts are racing
And I can see other’s bracing
Wondering who I’ll be
and which ‘me’ they might see

Even when I try and I try
I can never figure out why
I can’t follow through
And keep disappointing you..
Good intentions don’t get the task done
And distractions creep in and raging’s not fun
When I’m cornered I’m likely to run
And it seems like I’m the only one
Who can truly see- why it’s hard to be the real me
The one I know I’m meant to be
The one you always hoped I’d be

But I’ll keep doing my best
To keep up with the rest
And sometime hopefully be
the ‘me’ we always hoped I could be.

 

Disclaimer: this is not my poetry. I found this on a site under anonymous. I changed a few things that didn’t fit and posted it here. I do not claim rights to any of this. It just really hit my heart. Especially in regard to my dad and stepmom.

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Too Late

You think I don’t care

but I do.

It breaks my heart

Just like it does you.

 

But someone has

to uphold the rules

Or chaos will reign

It will all come unglued.

 

You think you know best

But you don’t.

You’ve so much to learn

But you won’t.

 

You leave it to me

To be the bad guy

Yet you undermine me

I don’t understand why.

 

You think I’m too hard

They have to know

This is my house

What I say goes.

 

I’ve done this before

I know what I’m doing.

You need to trust me

Before it all gets ruined.

 

You’ll never know

Until its too late

You’ll have lost control

All that’s left will be hate.

 

Pay attention

Listen to me.

Step up when you need to

Don’t just let it be.

 

I know it is hard

Good things always are

Learn what I’m teaching

It will take you far.

 

You have to step up

Before it’s too late

You think I am kidding,

I’m not. Just wait.

 

I’ve warned you, I’ve pleaded

I’ve given you clues

Yet you keep ignoring

Everything that I do.

 

It won’t go away

The problems get bad

The older they get

The more you’ll go mad.

 

So bury your head

If you think that will help

There’ll be nobody to blame

Only yourself.

 

You say you need me

I know that is true

But here lies the problem

I don’t need you…….

Word Vomit

I wish you had your own opinion.
I wish you had your own strength.
I wish you had other options.
It is too much pressure for me to take.

I wish you had your own style.
I wish you had your own thoughts.
I wish you had other options.
It something I think about a lot.

I wish you had your own friends.
I wish you had your own life.
I wish you had other options.
The pain cuts like a knife.

I wish it was different.
I wish it was fun.
I wish I wasn’t faking it.
I don’t think I’m in love.

I wish you wanted me.
I wish I was nice.
I wish I could let go.
I wish I could try.

I’m so exhausted.
I am so done.
I wish I could tell you.
I wish I could run.

I want different things.
I want to be strong.
I want to be right.
I know I am wrong.

Some part of me loves you.
Some part of me cares.
Some part of me hates you.
Some parts are so scared.

I want the excitement.
I want the solitude.
I want the whole package.
I want what this should include.

We are so different.
I am so strong.
You are too weak.
It’s gone on too long.

I don’t want to hurt you.
It’s inevitable I will.
You are too sensitive.
I am too strong-willed.

You think you know me.
You know nothing at all.
You think you want me.
Get past my wall.

There is no hope.
The wall is too high.
You need other options.
I can’t keep standing by.

I am not good enough.
I will never be.
You need to find your forever.
I know that’s not me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Voices

They say I’m weak

I say I’m strong
Those inner voices
Are sometimes wrong.

I know they lie
I know they taunt
I try not to believe them
Its not what I want.

they’re so convincing
They make me feel bad
They swear it’s the truth
Their truth makes me sad.

It’s hard to fight them
All of the time
Easier to relent
And let them be right.

They tell me I’m worthless
Unloved, with no friends.
I have to keep fighting
If I succumb,  that’s the end

BPD

Borderline personality disorder

That’s what they say I am
I fit all the requirements
In the DCM.

I cycle through emotions
 like a race car driver on crack
 in a heightened state of anxiety
my logic out of whack.

my perceptions at the time
 in this heightened state
make me illogical
 a place I fucking hate.

I often isolate myself
Away from family and friends
I lash out at things around me
My impulsivity knows no end.

The cycle, it ends quickly
As fast as it begins
But it never stays gone for long
It always starts again.

I try to contain the madness
But it sucks me down so deep
Nobody knows the truth of it
These secrets that I keep.

I let you believe the worst of me
I’m moody and I’m mean
I’m not fit for company
If only you could see.

Its easier to hide it
What happens in my brain
I know you’ll just deny it
Even if I could explain.

Some days I do better
Others I’d rather be dead
Than deal with the constant chaos
That’s always in my head.

You’ll never understand it
Most don’t care to try
Just ignore it,  it’ll go away
Keep telling yourself that lie.

Until the day I break
I will keep forgiving
Your ignorance is bliss
Until I stop living. 

Chaos in my head

There’s chaos in my head tonight

It won’t fucking let me sleep
The thoughts go round and round tonight
The silence I can’t keep.

It plays off my emotions
Rousing fear and guilt
It threatens to destroy
The precarious peace I’ve built.

It wont let me stop thinking
Playing games inside my head
Forcing me to confront things
That are better left unsaid.

I know it’s not reality
Just ignore the noise
But when it takes a hold of me
It does nothing but destroy.

It tells me all the little lies
I know I should not believe
But damn it’s so convincing
 Its quest is to deceive.

It plays on insecurity
It reminds me of my sins
It tells me that I’m worthless
That I deserve the state I’m in.

I know somewhere inside me
That this is not the truth
But damned if I can reach
The thread that makes the loop.

The one I need to save me
The one that banishes the lies
That little ray of hope that’s there
So deep down inside.

For now ill just lay quietly
Waiting for the storm to pass
Hoping I can fall asleep
Before it completely kicks my ass..